Thanks Tripp. Perhaps the biggest disconnect is in understanding that cloud isn't a bit of shared server space, with CPanel and phpMyAdmin, etc. You don't get your own server space in the classic way. You don't even get your own PHP files. Cloud is a bundle of scalable technology including PHP, MySQL, Python, NodeJS, Redis, NoSQL, WAF, SQS, etc.
We leverage all that tech for the newest features and it's just not possible to make it work on a normal PHP/MySQL server.