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Team Talk: Which job would you be terrible at?

In between complaining about the temperature of the United Kingdom, a hot topic in staff chat was what jobs we've done in the past, and which jobs we'd be terrible at.

Mark said that Matt would be terrible at being a software engineer. Once all the laughter and clearing desks and leaving the building immediately had finished, we settled on these answers.

Jennifer
I'd be a terrible runway model. For most of my life I've had the height and the general look of a decent runway model (even like people staring at me) however I am terrible at it.

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This was not Photoshopped

I get really nervous in front of large crowds of people, wobbly knees and everything. My mum does costume design and has used me as her model a few times and that whole "stand at the end of the runway for a few seconds and pose thing"... Nope. Stood there, turned around and walked back.

Marc
I think the job I would be terrible at would be 'Handy Man'.

Picked this rather than just saying a joiner/carpenter, plumber etc, as it encompasses more areas of complete ineptitude. My DIY skills are legendary, but for all the wrong reasons. Whilst I'm actually attempting to learn how to do things myself more lately, I have had a history of doing things incorrectly. I am that guy who has 8 pieces left after putting together flatpack furniture, creates swimming pools whilst fixing a tap, and don't even ask me to put a hole in a wall as I can do so with dramatic effect. [Should have shared the picture of your workbench - Editor]

I think the one which springs to mind, which most would find simple, would be putting up a shelf. I put up a DVD shelf above my head which was a fair weight. This lasted 1 week before falling off the wall on to my head which was underneath it. [That explains a lot - Editor] Not a problem, because with my 'expert' DIY skills I put it back on the wall with 8 inch screws and to ensure it didnt come down again I covered the wall facing side with extremely strong glue. 3 years later when my wife wanted this taking down to decorate, I took it down along with half of the wall behind it. This was the point where the decorator was called to fix my mistakes.

Brandon
I couldn't be President (or any major political position for that matter). I'm a very middle-of-the-road people pleaser type of person usually, and I could never handle having to make important decisions that affect everyone [like in git? - Editor], especially with half of everyone agreeing with me and half of everyone thinking it was the worst idea ever. As much as people like to criticize those in power and feel like they have all the answers, I know it's just not that easy and I would never want to be in their position.

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A nightmare vision of the future

Jim Morrissey
Cold call telephone sales/telemarketing. I often say I couldn't sell water to someone stuck in the desert. OK, maybe not *that* bad but definitely cannot get on the phone and convince someone product XYZ is the one for them. I'm also not that big of a talker in person and don't have that personality to just grab people on the phone and persuade them to purchase something they may not otherwise want. Half my personality, half ethics which would make me horrible

Mark H
A job at which I would be no good, is a politician. I’d be jailed within a week for strangling other politicians who open their mouth and spew the usual double-speak we’ve come to expect (and loathe) from them. [This is actually a toned down version of the original - Editor]

Mark W
I was struggling to come up with anything (because obviously I'd be great at anything, right?) but as the token vegan around here I guess I have to say butcher. The last time I ate meat was about 10 years ago and even walking past a butcher's makes me feel ill.

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Mark is Ultra Spiritual

FAQ: Lots of things have protein; I kind of miss chocolate but not much else; Yes, I would eat you if we were on a desert island. [Well, that got dark at the end - Editor]

Andy
I would be an awful chef. I wouldn’t even be able to heat up pre-prepared meals in a pub [Do you not have a kitchen at home? - Editor]. Apparently I make a good sous-chef in the home but I require strict instruction. In other words I get the job of chopping onions at dinner time.

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Like Gordon Ramsey, except nice

Ryan
The job I would most suck at, I actually did. Back in 2008, I was a factory worker for a paving company, where I packaged pavement crack sealant at approximately 160 degrees Fahrenheit, in addition to various other types of sealant (for driveways, parking lots, etc.). It was a lot of heavy lifting, and because the material was so hot, I had to wear heavy long sleeve shirts in a factory that hit approximately 120 degrees each day. I lasted about four months.

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Oozing Confidence

Matt
Anything on a production line. I have a very short attention span  and having to do repetitive tasks would finish me off. Back in the 90s [1890s? - Editor] I used to work in a print and design studio. One of the tasks was producing 15,000 copies of a 8 sheet magazine. It'd run through the collator, through the stitching head, under the folding arm and slide out to a tray. For about two days straight a month we'd be running this machine. Counting copies as they came out, freeing jams and filling up the paper. It was really tedious work.

Those are the jobs we'd think we would be terrible at. How about you? What would be your nightmare job?

Edited by Matt

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I often think I would've loved to be a vet. But, y'know ... snakes. No thank you.

I suppose in the real world being a diplomat would be a problem. Or being a defence lawyer. OK, I know that people are often accused of crimes they hadn't actually committed and so merit the best efforts of a professional to try to make the jury reach a verdict of not guilty, but it'd be on my mind that lots of people professing innocence would actually be guilty too. I don't think I'd be capable of defending someone against a weak prosecutor if I believed they were actually guilty of something heinous.

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For me it would be Sales and being a politician...probably because they're so much alike! :laugh:

I belong to an old and dying breed who would rather dispense with underhanded tactics, lying, cheating, stealing and being a general #(*&#$ and get on with finding out what unapologetically artsy, philosophical truth is for myself, helping others find their truth, and envisioning a world which, while far from perfect, would be one where people didn't have to be constantly scared for their future security.  Not trying to turn the discussion to these heated topics, but my curse is that for me this means critiquing things like the Left, the Right, capitalism, socialism, the United Nations, democracy, organised religion and atheism (whose foundations are often equally shaky), etc.  Doesn't make you popular in, well, much of anywhere.

Think of me as Agent Mulder but without the gun, cool badge or the boyish charisma.  Oh and without the suit.  I hate suits.  Probably another reason why I'd suck at sales and politics.

PS I still think Jennifer is ubercute.  No disrespect intended, so please no one assault me with hashtag populism :ph34r::laugh:

Edited by liquidfractal
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Let's go on holiday to Portugal! Just heard on the news it's 48C overthere?! So nothing much to complain about with our mere 25-35C in west Europe  ? (*edit* and UK .. Brexit ?). Jobs I am terrible at is anything which involves keeping my blood pressure / patience level in balance; things like 1st and 2nd level customer support instead of close encounters of the 3rd kind. Hence kudos to invision, as whenever my nuisance level starts to act up on a diversity of issues outside of invision's direct control I find it surprising how Marc for example is able to keep his cool with me, stays professional, and helpful. Or you folks have better air conditioning than I do when it ain't raining 300 days per year? ? Oh ... just read I can use the S-word. So I would truly suck at anything that involves professional business communication and being a diplomat.

Edited by rhyker2u
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