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De-activating some automatic e-mail features

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When a spammer tries to post something without becoming a validated member, the board automatically sends out an e-mail entitled "Did you forget to submit your content?".  These messages are generated and sent to some suspicious and know spamming agents.  They cannot be delivered, but the software will try to send them again, and again.  This has caused issues with our server, as the server IP is being tagged as suspicious.

Our site is not able to process any registrations, bulk mails or notifications by e-mail.   We are currently only getting about 5% of our e-mails delivered, or received when members click on the validation link.  We have to do something to fix this problem.

Is there a way to de-activate some features in the board e-mail program, such as the "did you forget" message?

If not, how do we go about changing to SMTP for e-mails?  Sorry, this 68 year old granny doesn't know what this even is.

Thanks for your help.

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